Fate: Set in Motion

As most of you already know by now, my Prince Charming died of a massive brain hemorrhage on April 15, 2012.  Page (my daughter) and I were there hanging onto him until the end.  We brought him home to Los Angeles, and on April 22, and along with 350-400 people, had a lovely ceremony to celebrate his life.  We had completed four months of our six month trip to South America and Central America.  We were in the home stretch so to speak.  All that was left was some excursions in Guatemala, a brief visit to Mexico City, and then several restful weeks in two beautiful places in Mexico, Huatulco and Buena Vista.   Michael was getting tired and looked forward to lazy days by a pool or swimming in the tranquil waters of the Sea of Cortez.    Because he looked forward to these last few weeks so much, when his prognosis did not look at all favorable I promised him I would take him along to the places he wanted to go. I was angry that he wouldn’t be going in the form I wanted him to go.  However, I figured he would be pleased that I didn’t stop our plans and just sit home and cry.    

 Two weeks ago today we were visiting lake Atitlan, Guatemala.  Michael told me it was one of his favorite tours of the trip and added, “This is one of the best days of my life.”  Little did we know significance of that statement.  During the preparation of the DVD for his celebration, I couldn’t help but notice how much he changed during the last month of his life.  Even though I saw him slow down and rest more than usual, I believe I ignored his overall decline in health.  I remember thinking that his annoying three week cough was possibly as sign that his congestive heart failure was getting worse.  But I just kept thinking, “Come on Michael stay well enough to get through to the end of this trip.” I remember noticing how much slower he walked and how he seemed to stop to rest and catch his breath more often.  Even though I wanted him to slow down, change plans, and return home, he refused.  It is amazing how many “what if’s” come to mind.  But the reality of the situation is just what it is…he had a stroke for which he couldn’t recover.  I can’t go back.  There are no time machines even though I wish there were.   He was just a ticking time bomb that started with his unhealthy diet, and ultimately, the bad luck of having an enlarged heart and heart disease. 

I am finally beginning to realize that the hours wasted on “what ifs” can tear you apart and it still doesn’t change a thing.   The doctors in Guatemala all reassured me that his fate was sealed with a history of atrial fibrillation, significantly enlarged heart, and coronary artery disease. Each diagnosis added to the complexity of his illness.  Yet, neither of us saw him as an ill person.  He loved life.  It was only recently that his decline in health was becoming so obvious.  “I haven’t been the same since that damn mitral valve surgery (January 2011) he would say.” 

I still remember when Michael had quadruple by-pass surgery six and half years ago.  I got to see his chest x-ray and remarked about his unusually enlarged heart to anyone who would listen.  While no one else seemed to comment much about the size of his heart, I remember thinking, “Yikes, this isn’t good!”  It was only a matter of time before the enlarged heart would begin to fail, and most likely led to the catastrophic events that ended his life.  While this isn’t what I wanted, Michael died the way most people say they would like to go, quick and painlessly.  He enjoyed his life until the very end and told me many time over the past few months that he had no regrets, “If I die tomorrow I have had a good life and I am not afraid to die.” 

We all said our last goodbyes to Michael last Sunday, April 22, 1012.  However, for those of us who loved him most, it is really difficult to say goodbye.  We will all miss his smile, his laughter, and his generous hugs.  I will miss his kindness and love.  He gave me hope in mankind.  After one failed, loveless marriage I didn’t think there was a man in the whole world who would show me the kind of friendship and love that he showed me.   I was lucky to have known him and it is hard to let him go.  As requested by many of you I am going to continue my blogs.  I have been waiting for inspiration and overlooking the obvious.  I have decided to title them “Letters to Michael” since he is with me on this final phase of our trip.  It is somewhat comforting to have him with me, going to the places he really wanted to go.